Modern Problems; Artificial Feelings (Foul Language Warning)

I awoke one morning to my cell phones incessant beeping. I noticed the phone had sent a voice message to my elderly aunt Joanne who lives in West Virginia. I swallowed hard from the cotton mouth and nerves. What kind of message did I leave for my aunt Joanne?

I had no recollection of sending a message to anybody as I had been ossified the night before. A sufficiency of plenty you might say or you might simply say I was over-served. Liquor brained.

I did remember having an argument with my phone which ended with me cussing it out properly. I was trying to get my phone to call my wife but it was unable to understand my impaired speech.

I needed a ride home and I was trying to use the fancy new voice dial feature on my Motorola Razor flip phone. Just like fucking Star Trek. I loved it.

At any rate, the whole verbal exchange between the phone and myself was sent to my aunt Joanne's phone number on the farm. I imagine that kind of language coming from her nephew, had she gotten the message, could've very possibly caused a heart attack or a stroke or both.

It was quite the impressive tirade that was recorded as a voice message to my aunt. I don't know how the fuck that happened as far as my aunt being selected as the recipient. Lucky for me the voice mail was undeliverable.

The drunken use of a communications device is no laughing matter. I am sure it has caused many unintended consequences.

I broke down and got a phone with Siri on it. Holy shit did I have some knockdown, drag out arguments with Siri. Mostly over the fact that it is a robot with fake feelings.

For the same reason spell correct changes the word to duck when you explicitly said something else, Siri feels compelled to say, “That's not nice!” when I cuss at her. To which my reply is, “fuck you, you cunt whore of a bitch, piece of computer shit! Who gives a fuck what you think!”

You can imagine the message that my aunt would have received had the message been deliverable.

It would appear that I have rage issues but that's how my inner voice talks to myself. The voice is an amalgamation of the way my dad and George Anson and some of the other wonderful father figures in my life spoke to me during my formative years. But to me that's just the way life is. It didn't hurt my feelings. I didn't walk around crying like

“He called me an ass hole boo hoo.” We weren't pussies. "Sticks and stones may break my bones but words will never hurt me", the old saying goes.

I'll be damned if I put up with an artificial machine having its “feelings” hurt when I'm venting my frustrations. I don't have kids to yell at and I don't kick my dog so I yell at fucking things that shouldn't be offended.

The reason I can appear so calm in public on most occasions is that I vent my pent up anger and exorcise my aggravation on objects that truly don’t care about my sciatica, arthritis and the fact that my retirement plan is to just drop dead one day, hopefully. None of that malingering in a shitty ass, fucked up carcass.

I switched my Siri from an American accent to an Irish accent. For some reason the American Siri voice just pisses me off. I just feel like smacking the shit out of her, “shut up you fucking cunt.” It has a smartass quality in the tone of its voice.

Whereas the Irish Siri has a very soothing quality in her voice and she doesn't sound like such a bitch. The British Siri is harsh and obnoxious just like Jennifer Saunders of Absolutely Fabulous fame.

And I don't like the male voices at all. They sound so effeminate when they are fake offended. Danced around that as gently as possible.

Seems every generation gets a little softer and a little softer until we get what we have now, children that want to play inside, boys that want to be girls and girls that want to be boys which is all good and fine by me. Live and let live is what I say. It is said love is a many-splendored thing according to the movie and song from the 50s. Moving along…

I have friends that have what’s her butt from Amazon, Alexa, which is equally as frustrating to deal with. They're always spying. It will frequently come on whether you ask it to or not. Sometimes the TV will trigger Siri to come on and they will have their own discussion about what it is that Siri thinks the TV asked.

Google isn't any better either with its voice assistant. ‘Maps’ is as likely to send you into a lake as it is to your destination.

And if you have any kind of speech impediment like a southern accent, those devices find it very difficult to understand what it is that you are saying. I get text messages all the time from people that are nonsensical.

I try to remember to read mine before I hit send to correct any mistakes and I usually end up finger typing the whole message anyway. I would've saved more time just typing it in the first place.

You have to speak with non-regional diction in order to be understood by these devices similar to white faces showing up better than black faces on facial recognition programs.

It creeps me out when artificial intelligence tries to force its morality upon me. I don't need a judge, I just need a fucking tool that does its job without whining about how I talk to it.

Guess that's how the billionaires feel about all of us, a bunch of whiny ass tools. ☮️❤️😁🎶👣🖖